Losing a loved one is a very difficult process. Many people keep things inside and carry around their grief much longer than they should. Psychotherapist and grief counselor, Heather Caruso, shares the top ten ways to support yourself during the initial stages of grief.
Learn 10 tips to support yourself in the 1st stages of grieving the death of a loved one.
Number One: Crying is helpful. Believe it or not, crying helps with the grieving process when you lose a loved one. Tears release a stress hormone called cortisol, so crying helps our body have less impact from stress. Tears also are proof that you cherished someone, so when you feel like crying, allow it to flow.
Number Two: Feel all your feelings. It is normal to feel a wide variety of feelings after experiencing the death of a loved one. Some feelings that pop up can be fear, helpless, lonely, anger, sadness or even relief for example. As you allow your feelings and emotions to be experienced, in time, it will prevent you from carrying them around into the future.
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Number Three: Let go of your regrets. It is normal for people to question what they could have done differently or what they should have done instead. Perhaps you thought if you got different medical treatment, or you were home earlier than something would have not happened. If you notice that you are continually thinking about your regrets, it can make you feel stuck in your discomfort. Obviously, you did not want harm to come to someone else and you cannot predict the future. Try using the mantra that I am letting go of shouda, woulda, oughta and what ifs.
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Number Four: Release your anger. It is normal to feel angry when you have experienced grief. Find healthy ways to release the anger rather than suppressing it by using substances like alcohol or drugs, starting arguments, working too much or road rage. Journal or create art with your anger using lines or words that let things out. When you are done, it may feel good to rip it up and get rid of it.
Number Five: Grieving what may have been. Another part of the grieving process is letting go of the life that you thought you would be living. Maybe you thought you would be with this person forever. We must find ways to except that there is a different path in front of us and grieve the loss of the life we thought we were going to live.
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Number Six: Take time to grieve what you have lost. When we lose a loved one, we may lose things like a constant companion, inside jokes, family member, friend, spouse, love, our regular date, or a support person. Grieve what you have lost and work through this pain. Down the road, these good memories will be comforting.
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Number Seven: Include young people in the grieving process. Often adults do not have children come to funerals, services, or celebrations of life for the deceased, however, children should be included because they need to grieve as well.
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Number Eight: Share your story. People find healing through discussing their experiences with grief. Discuss your story with someone who understands what you are going through, is okay with loss, and grieving. It is best to not share with people who do not understand loss or are not compassionate.
Number Nine: Do not fear the grieving process. Just know that the emotions from grieving do not last forever. No need to be afraid of them. Avoiding your feelings prolongs the grieving process. It is best to sit with your emotions and let them out. Doing so helps them to not overpower you.
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Number Ten: Acceptance is important. Accepting what happens does not mean that you are OK with losing a loved one. Acceptance is more about acknowledging that your loved one is no longer present, and life has changed without them.
We hope you have enjoyed reading “Learn 10 Tips to Support You in the First Stages of Grieving the Death of a Loved One”.
Heather Caruso is a registered psychotherapist, grief counselor and art therapist. She works in person in Guelph ON an online with clients from Ontario. If you would like more information on these services, please contact us by booking an appointment for a quick get acquainted chat. Book now.
On parting Heather would like to share with you a poem by the Irish poet John O’Donohue.
On the Death of a Beloved
By John O’Donohue
Though we need to weep your loss,
You dwell in that safe place in our hearts,
Where no storm or night or pain can reach you.
Your love was like the dawn
Brightening over our lives
Awakening beneath the dark
A further adventure of colour.
The sound of your voice
Found for us
A new music
That brightened everything.
Whatever you enfolded in your gaze
Quickened in the joy of its being;
You placed smiles like flowers
On the altar of the heart.
Your mind always sparkled
With wonder at things.
Though your days here were brief,
Your spirit was live, awake, complete.
We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names;
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,
As close to us as we are to ourselves.
Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,
We know our soul’s gaze is upon your face,
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.
Let us not look for you only in memory,
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones.
When orchids brighten the earth,
Darkest winter has turned to spring;
May this dark grief flower with hope
In every heart that loves you.
May you continue to inspire us:
To enter each day with a generous heart.
To serve the call of courage and love
Until we see your beautiful face again
In that land where there is no more separation,
Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,
And where we will never lose you again.