Have you, a friend or family member been in a narcissistic relationship? If you have you may understand the roller coaster of emotions that go along with breaking up with a narcissist. One moment you are madly in love, found the one who finally gets you, who is kind, considerate and flattering, and in the next moment you are isolated from your family, friends, cheated on, stolen from, put down and are told its all your fault. Given the nature of these relationships its completely understandable to feel a slew of emotions, grief, desperation, and debilitating confusion.
After experiencing narcissistic abuse, people often go through similar responses due to its financial, social and emotional impacts. Here is some advice from our psychotherapist and narcissistic abuse treatment clinician, Heather Caruso on 10 things not to do when breaking up with a narcissist.
Number One. Not reporting or documenting threats, illegal activities or domestic violence.
Narcissists may be abusive in many forms. They may threaten through text, voicemail and email. They may purposefully break and destroy your property or access your bank accounts or credit cards. They may drive erratically with you in or outside of your car. True narcissists have a cluster B personality disorder, which is in the same class as sociopaths and psychopaths. People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have little empathy, insight, caring for others and/or self reflection. Thus, it is important to document negative events, report abuse and threats to the authorities as they happen. Better to be safe than sorry.
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Number Two. Not changing passwords, securing computers, premises, bank accounts and so on immediately after breaking up with a narcissist.
Most people don’t expect their ex to gain access to their computer, phone or bank accounts. However, narcissists can be deceptive and feel entitled to do so.
Change your passwords and put two step verification on your phone, computer, voicemail, bank accounts and credit cards. Change locks, secure house deeds, passports, keys or any other valuable information and things.
Number Three. Trying to defend your self and explain.
A common mistake is to try and defend and explain yourself in a narcissistic relationship. Most normal people will give you a chance to tell your side of the story to create understanding. However, narcissists are manipulative and use your explanation as a chance to distort your words, gaslight you and turn themselves in to the victim. If you must deal with a narcissist for whatever reason stick to the topic you are speaking about, say only what you need to and don’t be sidetracked by there distracting conversation.
Number Four. Personalizing and internalizing their behavior.
Its normal to wonder what we could have done better in our relationship when there is discord or a breakup. We all want a happy partner. When people are angry with us its normal to take stock of what we have done wrong. Often people who have been in long term narcissistic relationships feel low self esteem, anxiety, and depression. We feel responsible for what has happened. They may think, “If I didn’t do something wrong, why do I feel so bad?”
Narcissists have little self awareness. If they make a mistake or have a bad day, they transfer the blame to others. They do not take ownership of their choices and avoid any deep feelings. Despite their confident persona, they are very insecure. When narcissists are criticized for whatever reason, they behave as if they would shatter and become vindictive to people who embarrass or correct them. Its important to not internalize their behavior because they are often projecting their emotions, insecurities, mistakes on to you.
Number Five. Fighting fire with fire.
It is common to think about paying back our narcissistic ex partner. We may have experienced our ex cheating, assault, abuse or humiliation. We may be broken hearted and feel very low. Its natural to want justice, but folks who do retaliate may feel ashamed of their behavior, that they stooped to their level or who they became due to that relationship.
There are a variety of ways of keeping your cool with a narcissist. One technique is called the grey rock method. With this method your responses become boring, bland and provides less and less opportunity for a narcissist to engage with you. You may simply ignore them or just provide one-word answers. If they try and hook you with an insult, you can choose to not react.
Tumultuous relationships tend to cause us to be emotionally reactive. Sometimes we even go into a fight or flight response. This is when our nervous system reaction is out of our control. It is a trauma response and our body’s adaptive reflex to protect us when we are in danger. We may react with fight, where we move towards a threat and attack, flight, where we avoid, run away, use substances and/or freeze, shut down and do nothing. Learning grounding techniques can help us manage and control our nervous system reactions.
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There is a pause between the thought and the behavior, where we can choose to lean into what our true values are like honesty, loyalty, fidelity and compassion. Protect yourself legally, change locks, and get a safety plan or whatever else you need to do. The best thing you can do is disengage or have as little contact as possible.
Number Six. Expecting a normal logical response.
It is normal for people to have their mind go round and round about things that narcissistic people do. A common statement is “I cannot believe that they did that” or “who does that?” People will try and get the narcissist to see the error of their ways or to apologize but it seldom happens. They will say its someone else’s fault.
Radical acceptance is when we accept things that cannot be changed and are outside of our control, even if we do not like them. Narcissists often do the wrong thing and do not see a problem with it. They may offer an apology to win you back, but they may choose to do the same rotten thing over again. This is not about you. They believe much of what they say and there is a distorted sense of reality. True narcissists have a personality disorder that affects their cognition and moral compass.
People in these relationships develop cognitive dissonance. This is the opposites in the relationship that make you feel uncomfortable. You had good times, they promised marriage, travel and they said that they loved you. They also alienated you from your family and friends, took control of your finances and cheated on you with the neighbour. These two opposing realities do not make sense and that is why we feel at odds with it. However, with radical acceptance we can let go that it is what it is. Narcissists simply do not have the capacity for a healthy relationship because they have NPD.
Number Seven. Taking to social media groups with problems or for advice.
It is normal to want support after the breakup of a narcissistic relationship. Connecting with others can be beneficial and help people find supports and resources. At times people take to social media, sharing what someone did and the details of the abuse and trauma they endured. People may post on their private profile with their friends or even sharing public content or in groups.
Some people use social media like their personal diary, sharing intimate details of their life and relationships. It may feel like a release or nice getting support from the odd person. People may even think they are helping others by sharing their story. Be mindful that not everyone deserves to hear your intimate story, and your audience may not have your best interest at heart. You may be sharing with people who forward your info to the narcissist, or with strangers, trolls, and fake profiles who may be your narcissist. Your open posts may provide info about your where abouts, comings and goings and used for legal action or in custody battles.
One should not try to dispense advice unless they have done their own work and are qualified to support others in a healthy way. Using social media and others who are vulnerable to vent to, is not healthy. It is best to work it out in therapy or trauma counseling.
Sometimes these groups are helpful and have great links for supports. Something to consider is what is not helpful in groups is that you do not know anyone’s background or real identity. The concern is that people you are conversing with may be people with other intentions like selling something, a fake profile, folks who have not done their work or trolls. I have seen people scammed for private investigator services, casting spells, computer protection, selling drugs to cope and so on. Buyer beware.
As stated earlier, its important to recognize that not all people on social media who dispense advice are qualified to do so. Realizing this can help you protect yourself. Sadly many people in groups don’t have the resources to get support and they use social media because cannot afford therapy or refuse it. Some people use social media as therapy, which is concerning because some of the population they are dishing out advice to are vulnerable. Please take advice with a grain of salt and see if their advice resonates with your values. In online groups, we suggest that buyer beware and do not pay for services that you have not thoroughly checked out.
Number Eight. Calling their ex a narcissist.
The word narcissist has become a buzz word. Often people think their partner is a narcissist because of some self-centered behaviors, however there is a set of criteria that need to be met to be diagnosed as one. Stating that someone has NPD can invalidate people who have experienced an abusive relationship with a narcissist. People may also be spreading misinformation about a person that they have a personality disorder, and they do not.
Most narcissists do not seek a diagnosis without someone else pushing them. There is a list of symptoms in the DSM a person must have to be diagnosed with NPD. The diagnosis typically comes from a by psychologist or psychiatrist. There must be five of the nine of these symptoms. These are:
- Swollen self-esteem or a grandiose sense of self-importance or superiority
- Craving admiration
- Exploitative relationships (i.e., manipulation)
- Little to no empathy
- Identity is easily disturbed (i.e., can’t handle criticism)
- Lack of attachment and intimacy
- Feelings of depression or emptiness when not validated
- A sense of entitlement
- Can feel like others are envious of them, or may envy others
Number Nine. Not having boundaries.
Narcissists love people without boundaries because they don’t care about other people’s needs. They often will do anything to get their own way. Many people in relationships with people with NPD find it easier to go with the flow, than to argue with a narcissist. That is why people with NPD last longer with partners who are agreeable. However, not having healthy boundaries can lead to a feeling of stress and anxiety. You may also get yourself in to all kinds of things that don’t jive with your morals and are not good for you.
Healthy boundaries are important because they are the limits and rules that we set for ourselves in relationships. A person who has strong boundaries can say no to people when they want to. They are also comfortable opening themselves up in close and intimate relationships. A person with unhealthy boundaries has a hard time saying no. They will agree to things they don’t want to and then resent it. They are quietly put out or they complain.
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Its best to say no to things that you don’t want to do and let the narcissist feel however they feel.
Number Ten. Thinking you are to blame for attracting a narcissist.
People that tend to have recurrent relationships with narcissists can have a certain personality temperament. Research shows that they may be very agreeable, have had a narcissistic parent or have had a traumatic childhood. That is not to say that all people who have relationships with narcissists have either of these traits. NPD types are attracted to everyone, and some people can make a relationship work longer than others.
It is best for anyone who has experienced a true narcissistic relationship to protect yourself and being healing. This involves self compassion, self kindness, healthy boundaries, therapy and supports.
Heather Caruso is a registered psychotherapist, narcissistic abuse treatment clinician, trauma counselor and art therapist. She offers art therapy, trauma counselling, brainspotting, mindfulness, talk therapy, CBT and DBT. Sessions are online and in person therapy sessions. If you are interested in booking an appointment, book a free get acquainted chat where you can ask questions and see if it’s a good fit. Reach out today.
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For a list of supports in your area go to, Get help if you are experiencing violence | ontario.ca