Understanding What is a Communal Narcissist. Recognizing, and Managing Relationships with Communal Narcissists
Imagine a child growing up in a household where their parent dedicates seemingly endless hours to community work, volunteering, organizing events, and advocating for social causes. To the outside world, this parent might appear selfless, generous, and wholly altruistic. However, behind closed doors, the child experiences a very different reality. The parent demands constant recognition for their efforts, belittles the child for not showing enough gratitude, and weaponizes their acts of kindness to exert control. The parent takes photos of themselves posing on social media sharing their good deeds merely for validation and approval as a transaction to feed their fragile ego, not to actually help another person. This hypothetical yet all-too-common scenario shines a light on the complexities of living with a communal narcissist—a type of narcissist who cloaks their self-centered motives in outwardly prosocial behavior. For the child of such a parent, the emotional toll can be deeply isolating and confusing, as they struggle to reconcile the disparity between public perception and private experience.
What is a Communal Narcissist?
A communal narcissist is an individual who derives their sense of superiority and self-worth from performing acts that are outwardly altruistic or community-focused. Unlike traditional narcissists who often seek personal gain or admiration through achievements, communal narcissists construct their identity around being perceived as generous and benevolent. Their need for validation and admiration remains central but is expressed through behaviors associated with helping others. However, their motivations are often self-serving, aiming to enhance their image rather than genuinely assist those in need.
The Top 10 Common Traits of a What is a Communal Narcissist
- Exploits acts of kindness for personal recognition.
- Seeks admiration through community involvement.
- Uses their “selflessness” as a means to control others.
- Displays inconsistencies between public and private behavior.
- Requires constant validation for their prosocial efforts.
- Belittles or manipulates others for not expressing sufficient gratitude.
- Prioritizes their image of generosity above actual impact or empathy.
- Avoids accountability by framing criticism as ingratitude.
- Engages in competitive altruism, aiming to outshine others in acts of goodwill.
- Struggles to form genuine, reciprocal connections, as their relationships often revolve around admiration.
Dr. Ramani’s Description of a What is a Communal Narcissist
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert in narcissism, describes communal narcissists as individuals who weaponize their prosocial behavior to achieve narcissistic validation. They may appear to be caring and self-sacrificing, but their ultimate goal is recognition and praise. Dr. Ramani emphasizes that communal narcissists often present as idealistic and morally virtuous, making it difficult for others to identify the self-serving motives underlying their behavior. Their actions are frequently performative, focusing on being seen as a “savior” rather than genuinely addressing the needs of others. This description helps to unravel the paradoxical nature of communal narcissism—a blend of apparent altruism and deep-seated egotism.
What is a Communal Narcissist, Their Behavior and How Communal Narcissists Affect People in Their Lives
The impact of communal narcissists on their close relationships can be profound and often damaging. Whether they are a parent, spouse, sibling, or colleague, their behavior can create emotional confusion, resentment, and dependency. Here are some common impacts:
Parent: Children may feel overshadowed and invalidated, as their achievements are often deemed insignificant in comparison to the parent’s “heroic” acts. The child’s emotional needs may be neglected, leading to issues with self-esteem and trust.
Spouse: Partners may struggle with feeling manipulated or guilted into supporting the narcissist’s image. Emotional intimacy may be lacking, as the focus remains on external validation rather than mutual connection.
Sibling: Rivalry and resentment can arise if the communal narcissist demands constant recognition within the family unit, often overshadowing others with their need for admiration.
Colleague: Workplace dynamics can be strained, as communal narcissists may prioritize their image over collaboration and fairness, leaving others feeling undervalued or exploited.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy is a valuable resource for those navigating relationships with communal narcissists, offering tools and strategies to regain control, set boundaries, and heal. Here are ten ways therapy can help:
- Recognize patterns: Therapy enables individuals to identify behaviors characteristic of communal narcissism so you know what is a communal narcissist.
- Validate feelings: A therapist provides a safe space to unpack emotions and validate the confusion and hurt caused by narcissistic dynamics.
- Set boundaries: Therapy helps develop strategies to establish and maintain firm boundaries.
- Improve communication: Guidance on assertive communication can reduce manipulation and foster healthier interactions.
- Build self-esteem: Therapeutic exercises can strengthen self-worth and lessen the impact of the narcissist’s invalidating behavior.
- Understand motives: Exploring the narcissist’s psychology can help individuals contextualize their behavior and depersonalize negative interactions.
- Develop coping skills: Therapists provide tools for managing the stress and emotional toll of a narcissistic relationship.
- Foster independence: Therapy promotes emotional autonomy, allowing individuals to disentangle their self-worth from the narcissist’s approval.
- Encourage reflection: Therapists guide individuals to process past experiences and recognize patterns, aiding in long-term healing.
- Support decision-making: Therapy can assist in evaluating whether to maintain, modify, or exit the relationship, prioritizing personal well-being.
Understanding communal narcissism is essential in addressing its impact and navigating relationships with empathy and resilience. Through awareness and therapeutic support, individuals can reclaim their emotional health and foster healthier connections.
About
Heather Caruso wrote the article What is a Communal Narcissist. She is a compassionate, skilled, and intuitive therapist offering in person sessions in Guelph ON and online therapy. She is a registered Canadian art therapist, registered psychotherapist, trauma counselor and narcissistic abuse treatment clinician. She offers a unique blend of therapeutic approaches to help her clients navigate their healing journeys. Heather’s deep empathy and expertise create a safe and nurturing environment for those dealing with a mental health issue. Her areas of expertise are anxiety, depression, grief, low self esteem, stress management, trauma, PTSD and navigating big life changes. Heather offers one on one sessions for people from Ontario.
To support individuals in finding the right therapeutic path for their unique needs, she offers a free Zoom chat where people can ask questions and determine if her therapy services are a good fit for their needs. To book an appointment, click the button below.
