What is Triangulation?
Triangulation is a psychological and social phenomenon in which one person attempts to control or manipulate a relationship by involving a third party. This tactic often occurs to evade direct communication or conflict resolution, or to exclude or defame another person. It can create an imbalance of power and foster unhealthy dynamics within the relationship. Rather than direct communication between two people, a third party is brought in thus avoiding healthy dialogue. It can be a topic of choice in clients in difficult relationship in narcissistic abuse therapy.
Examples of Triangulation
In families, parents might involve children in spousal disagreements, forming a communication triangle. This can lead to the child feeling torn between their parents, causing stress and emotional strain as they may feel responsible for resolving conflicts that are beyond their control. Over time, this dynamic can affect the child’s sense of security and trust within the family. This dynamic may cause the child to feel like a mediator or the referee between parents. In children in this position, they may be parentified and involved in inappropriate adult matters.
In workplaces, employees may complain to each other about a situation that should be discussed with management. Also employees may seek a superior’s help instead of addressing issues directly with co-workers. For instance, if an employee feels that a colleague is not pulling their weight on a project, they might go to their manager to discuss the problem rather than confronting the colleague themselves. This can create a dependency on the authority figure and foster an environment where direct communication is avoided, potentially leading to unresolved tensions and decreased team cohesion.
Another common example is the use of a family scapegoat. In some families, one member may be unfairly blamed for problems or conflicts within the family, regardless of their actual involvement. This scapegoating can serve as a way for other members to avoid dealing with their own issues, projecting blame onto one individual. This person, often referred to as the “black sheep” of the family, may be ostracized and criticized, enduring emotional and psychological abuse. The scapegoated family member often experiences feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, and chronic stress, which can have long-lasting impacts on their mental health and relationships both within and outside the family unit.
Everyday Examples of Triangulation
Triangulation happens in everyday life more often than we might realize. Consider a scenario where one friend tells another about a disagreement they had with a third friend, expecting the second friend to mediate or take sides. This can create unnecessary tension and complicate the original issue. Similarly, in workplaces, employees might triangulate by involving managers in minor disputes rather than addressing issues directly, leading to an unhealthy work environment.
Triangulation May Be Common in Certain Mental Health Conditions
Compassionately understanding why triangulation occurs is crucial. It is often seen in certain mental health conditions as a coping mechanism or a manifestation of underlying issues. This behavior is particularly prevalent in individuals with Cluster B personality disorders, which include Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional, or unpredictable thinking and behavior, often resulting in unstable relationships. Let’s examine how some people with NPD and BPD use triangulation since it’s commonly found in these two disorders.
According to a Specialist in Narcissistic Abuse Therapy, Here is How Narcissists Use Triangulation
Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder may use triangulation to bolster their sense of superiority, secure their self-esteem, and undermine others while keeping potential rivals unsettled. They resemble the children who employ similar tactics to navigate social hierarchies in middle and high school. These individuals often run people down, malign others, and ruin reputations when they don’t get their way. They will deploy others to inflate their own sense of worth and needs, and if that does not happen, they devalue others. When confronted and held accountable, they frequently resort to insults.
Recipients of such behavior often feel deeply hurt and frustrated. They may experience a sense of betrayal and helplessness, struggling to understand why they are being treated in such a manner. This can lead to feelings of isolation and erosion of trust, both in personal and professional relationships.
How Do People With BPD Use Triangulation?
Those with Borderline Personality Disorder often seek reassurance of their love and avoid feelings of abandonment. They may use triangulation to incite jealousy in others to confirm their love and commitment. Compassionately understanding their behavior, individuals with BPD might use triangulation to validate their emotional responses, which often do not align with the logical present moment. Their fears of betrayal, abandonment, or being let down stem from a deep-seated mistrust most likely related to childhood trauma.
They can struggle with healthy boundaries, seeing them as a threat to their security. For example, when a partner with BPD is told that certain behaviors, such as constant texting or needing immediate responses, are not acceptable, they may feel rejected or abandoned. Similarly, when a friend sets a boundary by declining to involve themselves in conflicts that do not concern them directly, the individual with BPD may interpret this as a lack of support or loyalty.
These perceived threats can lead those with BPD to engage in triangulation, perpetuating the victim, persecutor, hero dynamic commonly seen in the drama triangle. Instead of addressing issues directly, they might bring in a third party, attempting to validate their feelings and gain reassurance. This can manifest as seeking out another friend or family member to support their side, creating divisions and escalating tensions. The person with BPD may present themselves as the victim in need of rescue, the third party as the hero, and the individual who set the boundary as the persecutor. This dynamic can lead to further misunderstandings and emotional turmoil, making it challenging to resolve conflicts healthily in relationships.
Anxiety and Insecurity May Lead to Triangulation
Anxiety and insecurity can also drive people to involve third parties, seeking validation or support in their conflicts. For some individuals, confronting someone directly may feel overwhelming and intimidating due to a lack of confidence. This inability to navigate conflict can stem from various factors:
- Self-esteem issues that undermine one’s belief in their ability to handle disputes effectively.
- Childhood experiences where confrontation was either discouraged or resulted in negative outcomes.
- Situations of abuse that have created anxieties around standing up for oneself.
- Overly critical or dominating parents who may have suppressed assertive communication skills.
In such scenarios, people may struggle with self-doubt and fear that their voice will not be heard or respected. There are often power dynamics at play, where one party may have significant leverage or the other party may have much to lose, which further complicates the ability to confront issues directly.
Here are the Top Signs of Triangulation According to a Specialist in Narcissistic Abuse Therapy
Recognizing triangulation is crucial to addressing it effectively, as it can significantly disrupt relationships and create long-term emotional distress. Here are some common signs to look out for:
Triangulation often appears in relationships involving individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Such individuals may use manipulation tactics to control the narrative and maintain power within the relationship. They often involve a third party, referred to as “flying monkeys,” who unknowingly assist in spreading misinformation and enforcing the narcissist’s desired narrative. This allows the narcissist to avoid direct confrontation while isolating and destabilizing the target. It’s important to be aware of these tactics to safeguard against their negative impacts.
- Involvement of a third party in personal conflicts or issues: Notice if someone frequently brings another person into disputes that should be addressed directly between the two original parties.
- Indirect communication or avoidance of direct confrontation: Be aware when someone relies on others to convey messages or resolve conflicts instead of discussing matters face-to-face.
- Attempts to align others against a specific individual: Look for efforts to create alliances or coalitions aimed at isolating or undermining one person within a group, especially when that person has criticized or held the narcissist accountable.
- Creating an “us versus them” dynamic: Pay attention to situations where lines are drawn, and groups are pitted against each other, fostering division and hostility.
- Spreading rumors or defaming another person to gain allies: Recognize the manipulation involved when someone spreads false information or negative stories to build support for their position.
- Using manipulation to control the narrative or outcome of a situation: Identify when someone is strategically influencing perceptions and decisions to steer situations in their favor.
- Flying monkeys are individuals manipulated by a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to do their bidding, often unknowingly. These “minions” are used to spread misinformation, perpetuate gossip, and enforce the narcissist’s desired narrative, essentially acting as extensions of the narcissist’s influence. This tactic allows the narcissist to maintain control and avoid direct confrontation, while the flying monkeys help isolate and destabilize the target.
Triangulation and Its Negative Impacts on Relationships
The negative impacts of triangulation on relationships can be profound and lasting. When triangulation occurs, it can create divisions and foster an environment of mistrust among the involved parties. It undermines direct communication and can escalate conflicts rather than resolving them. Triangulation is often a passive-aggressive way of communicating, which avoids direct confrontation and instead creates unnecessary tension. For instance, in families, children who are triangulated may feel caught in the middle, confused about their loyalty, and experience anxiety and stress. In romantic relationships, triangulation can lead to feelings of betrayal and resentment, eroding the bond between partners.
Use This Great Tool to Prevent Triangulation and Communicate Directly and Clearly
To help develop healthier communication skills, here are some ways to be assertive and neutral using nonviolent communication principles by Marshall Rosenberg:
- Observe without judgment: Focus on the facts of the situation without letting personal biases influence your perspective.
- Express feelings: Share your emotions honestly and openly without blaming others.
- Identify needs: Communicate your needs clearly and respectfully, ensuring they are understood.
- Make requests: Ask for specific actions that can address your needs, avoiding demands or ultimatums.
- Practice empathy: Listen to the other person’s feelings and needs with compassion, aiming for mutual understanding.
- Seek common ground: Find areas of agreement and work collaboratively towards a resolution.
For example, imagine a workplace scenario where you feel overwhelmed by the excessive workload assigned by your manager. Using nonviolent communication principles, you would first observe the situation without judgment, noting that you have been given more tasks than you can reasonably complete within the deadline. Next, express your feelings by saying, “I feel stressed and overwhelmed by the current workload.” Then, identify your needs by stating, “I need a more manageable number of tasks to ensure high-quality work.” Proceed to make a request, such as, “Could we discuss redistributing some of the tasks or extending the deadline?” Practice empathy by listening to your manager’s perspective and understanding their expectations and constraints. Seek common ground by finding a mutually agreeable solution, perhaps negotiating a compromise on task distribution or deadline extension. By using these steps, you foster a constructive and respectful dialogue that addresses your concerns while acknowledging the needs of others involved.
It is crucial to approach these situations with compassion, recognizing that everyone can learn to communicate more effectively and assertively. By fostering direct communication and setting clear boundaries, we can reduce the negative impacts of triangulation. Moreover, recognizing the role of mental health in these dynamics can lead to more compassionate and effective strategies for managing conflicts. Ultimately, the goal is to build a more transparent and trusting environment where open dialogue is encouraged and valued.
Here are Some Steps to Avoid Triangulation
To avoid triangulation and foster more effective communication, consider the following steps:
- Direct Communication: Address issues directly with the person involved rather than involving a third party. For instance, if you have a disagreement with a colleague, talk to them directly instead of discussing it with another coworker.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly define and respect personal boundaries to prevent being drawn into triangular situations. For example, let friends know that you prefer to resolve conflicts directly rather than having them mediated by others.
- Seek Mediation: If necessary, seek a neutral mediator rather than involving someone who is personally connected to the issue. For example, in a family dispute, consider involving a professional mediator rather than another family member.
- Practice Active Listening: Listen empathetically and validate the other person’s feelings without taking sides. For instance, during a conflict resolution session, focus on understanding each party’s perspective without judging or interrupting.
- Encourage Conflict Resolution Skills: Develop and encourage healthy conflict resolution skills within your relationships. For example, attend workshops on conflict resolution or read books that provide strategies for managing disputes effectively.
- Use Nonviolent Communication Techniques: Apply principles from Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication to express yourself and understand others. For example, use “I” statements to express feelings and needs, and avoid blaming or criticizing the other person.
Conclusion
In closing, understanding and mitigating triangulation is essential for healthy relationships, be they personal or professional. By fostering direct communication and setting clear boundaries, we can reduce the negative impacts of triangulation. Moreover, recognizing the role of mental health in these dynamics can lead to more compassionate and effective strategies for managing conflicts. Ultimately, the goal is to build a more transparent and trusting environment where open dialogue is encouraged and valued.
About
Heather Caruso is a compassionate, skilled, and intuitive trauma therapist, registered psychotherapist, and art therapist. She is also a specialist in narcissistic abuse therapy. She offers a unique blend of therapeutic approaches to help her clients navigate their healing journeys. Heather’s deep empathy and expertise create a safe and nurturing environment for those dealing with codependency. To support individuals in finding the right therapeutic path, she offers a free Zoom chat where people can ask questions and determine if her therapy services are a good fit for their needs. To book an appointment follow this link, https://arttherapyguelph.com/book-now
