Introduction: What is the Doormat Effect?
The Doormat Effect refers to a phenomenon where individuals repeatedly allow themselves to be treated poorly by others, often to the detriment of their own self-worth and mental health. This behaviour pattern usually involves excessive forgiveness and a tendency to excuse negative actions directed towards oneself, leading to a cycle of victimization and abuse. This effect is particularly prevalent in relationships with narcissists, where one partner manipulates and exploits the other, leaving them feeling powerless and trapped. This can understandably lead people to therapy for narcissistic abuse.
The Virtue of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is widely regarded as a virtue, a belief deeply rooted in moral and religious teachings. Many religious doctrines, such as Christianity, emphasize the importance of forgiving others to emulate divine mercy and compassion. For instance, the Bible teaches to “forgive those who trespass against us,” echoing a moral imperative to let go of grievances. Similarly, in Buddhism, the practice of forgiveness is seen as a path to freeing oneself from anger and resentment, fostering inner peace and spiritual growth. These moral and religious frameworks have ingrained in us the notion that forgiveness is not only virtuous but essential for our moral character. There are aspects of forgiveness that can assist in progressing without experiencing additional mistreatment. Complete forgiveness might affect our well-being and overlook the reality of boundary breaches and abuse.
A Reason to Seek Therapy For Narcissistic Abuse: The Impact on One's Self-Worth
While forgiveness is indeed a noble act, indiscriminate and continual forgiveness of harmful behaviours can severely impact our self-worth. When we repeatedly forgive actions that hurt us, we may inadvertently reinforce a cycle of being a victim and allowing the perpetrator to continue their negative behaviours unchecked. This dynamic can make us feel powerless and lower our self-esteem, as we may internalize the mistreatment as deserved. Those in cycles of abuse are often seen as fools or martyrs, which erodes self-worth and makes us feel unworthy of respect and kindness. This situation is exacerbated in relationships with narcissists, who typically lack empathy and use manipulation to control their partners. The narcissist’s constant need for admiration and validation often results in their partner feeling neglected, criticized, and undervalued, perpetuating the Doormat Effect.
Mental Health Implications
Being a “doormat” can have significant mental health implications. It often stems from childhood patterns and beliefs where individuals learn to accommodate the needs of others at the expense of their own. This may be reinforced by experiences of neglect, criticism, or emotional manipulation during formative years. This may lead people to feel that their wants and needs matter and that they are deserving of such treatment.
Many individuals who become doormats often come from abusive families or have parents with narcissistic personality disorder, which further compounds their tendency to seek approval and avoid conflict. A kinder way to say a doormat, is people pleasing. Parents with NPD tend to show similar traits. Mental health issues such as low self-esteem, codependency, and a lack of healthy boundaries can contribute to this behaviour. When we allow ourselves to be treated poorly, it can lead to anxiety, depression, and a pervasive sense of unworthiness, trapping us in a cycle of self-doubt and emotional pain. Therapy for narcissistic abuse can help support people to find their voice, sense of self and their boundaries.
Forgiveness and Reframing
Forgiveness does not mean excusing the harmful actions of others. Instead, it involves a personal resolution that someone else’s bad choices will not continue to weigh on us. Engaging in therapy for narcissistic abuse does not mean you give abusers a free pass. It can mean not wishing the perpetrator harm but also not excusing their bad choices. By reframing forgiveness, we can acknowledge that the behaviour is unacceptable while releasing ourselves from the cycle of rumination and emotional turmoil. This shift allows us to disengage from the cycle of abuse, recognizing that we are not responsible for the actions of others. Forgiveness, in this light, becomes about freeing ourselves and reclaiming our mental peace rather than condoning the wrongdoing.
The Role of Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse and Becoming a Recovering Doormat
Therapy can play a crucial role in supporting individuals affected by the Doormat Effect, particularly those in relationships with narcissists. Through therapeutic interventions, people can find their voice, build self-esteem, and learn to set healthy boundaries. Therapy helps individuals discern between forgiveness and resolution, providing tools to protect their mental health. It teaches them to separate their self-worth from the perpetrator’s behaviour, fostering a healthier sense of self. By guiding individuals through the process of healing and self-empowerment, therapy can help break the cycle of victimization and promote lasting mental well-being. It’s important to remember that help is available, and seeking support from a trauma therapist or a psychotherapist can be the first step towards reclaiming one’s peace and dignity.
Conclusion
The Doormat Effect is a complex phenomenon that intertwines forgiveness, self-worth, and mental health. While forgiveness is a virtue, it should not come at the cost of our well-being. By understanding the impact of repeatedly forgiving harmful actions, especially in relationships with narcissists, we can begin to set healthier boundaries and protect our self-esteem. Reframing forgiveness and seeking therapeutic support and therapy for narcissistic abuse can empower us to break free from the cycle of abuse, reclaim our sense of worth, and lead more fulfilling lives. Remember, you are worthy of respect and kindness, and help is available to support your journey towards healing.
About
Heather Caruso is a compassionate, skilled, and intuitive trauma therapist, registered psychotherapist, narcissistic abuse treatment clinician and art therapist. She offers a unique blend of therapeutic approaches to help her clients navigate their healing journeys. Heather’s deep empathy and expertise create a safe and nurturing environment for those dealing with a mental health issue. Heather offers in person sessions in Guelph ON and online session for people from Ontario.
To support individuals in finding the right therapeutic path, she offers a free Zoom chat where people can ask questions and determine if her therapy services are a good fit for their needs. To book an appointment, click the button below.
