Exploring the behaviors, types, and effects of having narcissistic parents
Hypothetical Scenarios: Living with Narcissistic Parents
Imagine Daniel as an adult who has grown up with a covert narcissistic parent. On the surface, his mother seems quiet and self-sacrificing, often portraying herself as the family’s martyr. Behind closed doors, however, she subtly manipulates Daniel with guilt, reminding him of the “sacrifices” she’s made for him and questioning his loyalty any time he expresses individuality. Even as an adult, Daniel feels a deep sense of unease but struggles to articulate why. This covert narcissistic behavior leaves him feeling like he can never please her, no matter what he does.
Now, consider Sarah, whose father is a malignant narcissist. He exudes charm in public but is explosively controlling and cruel at home. He belittles Sarah’s accomplishments, insisting that she owes all her success to him. If she dares to challenge him, he lashes out with insults or silent treatment. His behavior oscillates between domineering rage and manipulative affection, leaving Sarah confused, anxious, and deeply insecure in her relationships.
Both of these scenarios highlight the unique challenges faced by children of narcissistic parents. These behaviors create an unstable emotional environment that impacts the child’s sense of self-worth and ability to trust others.
Common Behaviors of Narcissistic Parents
Narcissistic parents, whether covert, malignant, or otherwise, often display several distinctive behaviors that leave lasting psychological imprints on their children. These behaviors include:
- Using their children as extensions of themselves, expecting them to fulfill the parent’s unmet ambitions or desires.
- Engaging in constant criticism, belittlement, or comparison to others.
- Withholding affection or approval as a means of control.
- Not respecting their child’s boundaries and limits.
- Prioritizing their own needs and emotions over their children’s.
- Exhibiting manipulative behaviors, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or triangulation.
- Fluctuating between overbearing involvement and complete emotional neglect.
- Making everything about themselves, even in situations where the child needs attention or support.
- Putting their child on a pedestal and then treating them like they are the worst of the worst.
- Expressing upset and anger in unhealthy ways such as giving the cold shoulder, name calling and other types of abuse.
- Undermining the child’s independence, often sabotaging their efforts to establish autonomy.
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. While the behaviors associated with NPD can vary, they are deeply ingrained and affect how individuals interact with others. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) outlines the following criteria for diagnosing NPD:
DSM Description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- A grandiose sense of self-importance.
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Belief in being “special” or unique and only understood by, or associating with, other high-status individuals or institutions.
- A requirement for excessive admiration.
- A sense of entitlement, expecting special treatment or automatic compliance with expectations.
- Exploitation of others for personal gain.
- Absence of empathy and difficulty recognizing the needs or feelings of others.
- Envy of others or belief that others are envious of them.
- Arrogant, haughty attitudes or behaviors.
It’s important to note that not all narcissistic parents meet the clinical criteria for NPD; some may display narcissistic traits without a formal diagnosis. Often narcissists deny medical diagnosis and therapy because they don’t believe they have a problem, but that others do.
The Different Types of Narcissism the Narcissistic Parents May Exhibit
Narcissism is not a one-size-fits-all condition. Understanding the different types can provide clarity when discussing narcissistic parents. Here are the main types:
Grandiose Narcissist
Grandiose narcissistic parents often exhibit blatant arrogance and an inflated sense of self-importance, demanding admiration from everyone around them. For example, a grandiose parent might constantly boast about their achievements, belittle their child’s accomplishments, and use the child as a prop to enhance their own status. The impact on adult children can be profound, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and a need for constant validation. These individuals may struggle with self-worth and develop perfectionistic tendencies to prove their value, perpetuating a cycle of striving for approval that is never fully satisfied.
Covert Narcissist
Covert narcissistic parents are subtle in their approach, often presenting themselves as victims or martyrs to manipulate and control. For instance, a covert parent might feign illness or emotional distress to guilt their child into compliance, deprioritizing the child’s needs. Adult children of covert narcissists may grow up feeling chronically guilty or responsible for others’ emotions, frequently becoming people-pleasers who struggle to assert their own boundaries. Their relationships may be characterized by an overwhelming fear of conflict and rejection.
Malignant Narcissist
Malignant narcissistic parents combine narcissism with cruelty and aggression, often creating an abusive and toxic environment. Such parents might berate their children relentlessly, use intimidation to instill fear, or pit siblings against each other to maintain control. Adult children raised in these circumstances often grapple with severe emotional scars, including anxiety, depression, and difficulty trusting others. They might also develop an unhealthy tolerance for abusive relationships, as the dynamics they experienced in childhood become familiar patterns in adulthood.
Communal Narcissist
Communal narcissistic parents seek admiration through acts of public generosity or moral superiority but neglect their children’s emotional needs behind closed doors. For example, a communal parent might volunteer extensively or donate to charities, all while ignoring their child’s struggles at home. This behavior can leave adult children feeling invisible and undervalued, leading to challenges in recognizing their own worth. They may develop a tendency to prioritize others’ needs above their own, perpetuating feelings of neglect and diminishing their sense of self-importance.
Each type impacts children differently, but all create an environment where the child’s emotional needs are secondary to the parent’s ego.
The Impacts of Narcissistic Parents on Children
Growing up with narcissistic parents can leave long-lasting scars. Children in such environments often struggle with:
- Low self-esteem and self-worth, as their feelings were invalidated or dismissed.
- Difficulty setting boundaries, as their autonomy was frequently undermined.
- Challenges in forming healthy relationships, often due to trust issues or fear of rejection.
- Perfectionism or people-pleasing tendencies, stemming from a need to gain approval or avoid conflict.
- Emotional dysregulation, including anxiety, depression, or anger.
- Difficulty recognizing or trusting their own emotions and instincts.
- Mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, addictions or narcissism.
- Lack of healthy boundaries and self care.
These impacts can persist into adulthood, shaping how individuals see themselves and interact with the world.
Why Therapy Is Important for Children of Narcissistic Parents
For individuals who have grown up with narcissistic parents, therapy can be a transformative process. Working with a therapist trained specifically in narcissistic abuse and trauma counseling is crucial, as this type of upbringing creates unique challenges that require specialized understanding.
Therapy can help individuals:
- Recognize and validate their experiences.
- Unpack and process the emotional impacts of growing up with narcissistic parents.
- Develop healthy boundaries and self-advocacy skills.
- Rebuild self-esteem and trust in their own emotions.
- Break free from destructive cycles, such as people-pleasing or self-doubt.
- Process traumatic experiences
A compassionate and skilled therapist can guide individuals toward healing, helping them reclaim their sense of self and build healthier relationships.
Conclusion
Understanding narcissistic parents and their impact is a vital step toward healing. Whether covert, malignant, or communal, these parents shape their children in profound ways. Yet, with awareness and the right therapeutic support, individuals can overcome the legacies of narcissistic parenting and create lives filled with self-worth, agency, and emotional freedom. Seeking help is not just a step toward healing—it’s a declaration of one’s own value and potential.
About
Heather Caruso is a compassionate, skilled, and intuitive therapist offering in person sessions in Guelph ON and online therapy. She is a registered Canadian art therapist, registered psychotherapist, trauma counselor and narcissistic abuse treatment clinician. She offers a unique blend of therapeutic approaches to help her clients navigate their healing journeys. Heather’s deep empathy and expertise create a safe and nurturing environment for those dealing with a mental health issue. Her areas of expertise are anxiety, depression, grief, low self esteem, stress management, trauma, PTSD and navigating big life changes. Heather offers one on one sessions for people from Ontario.
To support individuals in finding the right therapeutic path for their unique needs, she offers a free Zoom chat where people can ask questions and determine if her therapy services are a good fit for their needs. To book an appointment, click the button below.
