An empathetic exploration of the harmful pattern of the narcissistic cycle of abuse in an example
Imagine this: a person enters a relationship full of hope, drawn to someone who seems charismatic, intelligent, and deeply attentive. At first, their partner lavishes them with compliments, makes them feel special, and promises a future filled with love and harmony. But as time goes on, the relationship shifts. The once adoring partner begins to criticize, gaslight, and manipulate, leaving the person confused, hurt, and doubting their own reality. This hypothetical situation represents the devastating dynamic of the narcissistic cycle of abuse—a pattern of behavior that can leave individuals feeling trapped and overwhelmed. Understanding this cycle is the first step toward breaking free and finding healing.
What is a Narcissist?
A narcissist is often characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. These traits can manifest in harmful ways, affecting relationships and leading to patterns of emotional abuse. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) outlines the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which includes:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Belief in being special and unique, and the need to associate with high-status people or institutions
- A requirement for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement
- Interpersonally exploitative behavior
- Lack of empathy
- Envy of others or belief that others are envious of them
- Arrogant and haughty attitudes
While not everyone displaying narcissistic traits has NPD, individuals who exhibit these behaviors can create a damaging narcissistic cycle of abuse in their relationships.
The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
The narcissistic cycle of abuse is a repetitive pattern that consists of four primary stages: idealization, devaluation, discard, and Hoovering. Each stage serves to maintain the narcissist’s sense of control and superiority, while emotionally destabilizing their victim.
1. Idealization
During the idealization stage, the narcissist showers their partner with affection, compliments, and attention. This phase is often referred to as “love bombing.” The narcissist creates an illusion of perfection, making their partner feel cherished and indispensable. For example, they might plan elaborate dates, send frequent texts proclaiming their love, or make grand promises about the future. This stage is designed to hook the victim emotionally and build trust.
2. Devaluation
Once the victim is emotionally invested, the narcissist begins the devaluation stage. Here, the once-loving behavior shifts to criticism, passive-aggression, and manipulation. The narcissist may gaslight their partner, causing them to question their own perceptions. For instance, they might dismiss their partner’s feelings by saying, “You’re overreacting” or “That never happened.” They may also belittle their achievements or compare them unfavorably to others. The goal is to undermine the victim’s self-esteem and establish control.
3. Discard
In the discard phase, the narcissist withdraws emotionally or physically from the relationship, often abruptly. This could involve ending the relationship with little explanation, ghosting the victim, or becoming increasingly distant. The discard phase leaves the victim feeling abandoned, confused, and desperate for answers. The narcissist may use this stage as a punishment for perceived slights or simply because they’ve found a new source of admiration.
4. Hoovering or Recycling
Hoovering occurs when the narcissist attempts to re-engage with their victim, drawing them back into the cycle. This may involve apologizing, promising to change, or using manipulative tactics like guilt or pity. For example, they might say, “I can’t live without you” or “I’ve realized my mistakes.” Hoovering is designed to reset the cycle, trapping the victim in the relationship once again.
The General Cycle of Abuse and Its Parallels to Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
The general cycle of abuse follows a well-documented pattern that shares similarities with the narcissistic cycle of abuse but also exhibits distinct differences. Both frameworks hinge on dynamics of control and manipulation, but the general cycle is often broader in scope, encompassing physical, emotional, and psychological abuse across a variety of relationships, not limited to those involving narcissistic personalities.
In the general cycle of abuse, there are four main stages: tension-building, incident, reconciliation, and calm.
- The tension-building stage is akin to the devaluation phase in narcissistic abuse, as it is marked by criticism, irritability, and growing unease. Victims often describe walking on eggshells during this phase, anticipating the abuser’s unpredictable behavior.
- The incident phase in the general cycle represents the apex of overt abuse, ranging from verbal tirades to physical violence. Unlike the discard stage in narcissistic abuse, which is characterized by emotional withdrawal and detachment, this phase often involves direct confrontation or harm, making the abuse more visible and immediate.
- Reconciliation in the general cycle is comparable to the Hoovering phase in narcissistic abuse. The abuser may express remorse, offer apologies, or promise change, often employing manipulative tactics to regain the victim’s trust. However, whereas narcissistic Hoovering is frequently calculated and self-serving, the reconciliation phase can sometimes stem from genuine, albeit fleeting, regret.
- Finally, the calm phase in the general cycle mirrors, to some extent, the idealization phase in narcissistic abuse. Here, the abuser may temporarily revert to affectionate or considerate behavior, creating a deceptive sense of stability. Yet, unlike the idealization stage, which is often marked by grand gestures and calculated charm, the calm phase tends to be more subdued, focusing on maintaining a veneer of normalcy until the cycle begins anew.
By understanding the parallels and distinctions between these cycles, individuals can better identify patterns of abuse in their relationships, empowering them to seek support and ultimately break free from harmful dynamics.
The Benefits of Therapy for the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
Therapy can be a powerful tool in breaking free from the narcissistic cycle of abuse and fostering healing. Some of the benefits of therapy include:
- Validation of experiences: A therapist can help individuals recognize that their feelings and experiences are valid, countering the gaslighting they may have endured.
- Building self-esteem: Therapy provides strategies to rebuild confidence and self-worth that may have been eroded during the abuse.
- Setting boundaries: Therapists can guide individuals in establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, protecting them from further harm.
- Understanding patterns: Therapy helps individuals identify the stages of the narcissistic cycle of abuse, empowering them to break free from harmful dynamics.
- Processing trauma: Therapists can support individuals in working through the emotional and psychological scars left by narcissistic abuse.
- Developing coping mechanisms: Therapy equips individuals with tools to manage triggers and navigate future relationships.
Whether through individual counseling, support groups, or specialized trauma therapy, seeking professional help can make a significant difference in recovery.
Conclusion
For those who find themselves caught in the narcissistic cycle of abuse, the journey may feel overwhelming and isolating. It’s important to remember that healing is possible and that seeking support is a courageous step toward reclaiming one’s life. Therapy offers a safe space to process experiences, rebuild self-esteem, and establish healthier patterns. With empathy and understanding, survivors can break free from the cycle and embark on a path of empowerment and emotional freedom. If you or someone you know is experiencing narcissistic abuse, reaching out to a mental health professional can be the beginning of a transformative journey toward healing and hope.
About
Heather Caruso is a compassionate, skilled, and intuitive therapist offering in person sessions in Guelph ON and online therapy. She is a registered Canadian art therapist, registered psychotherapist, trauma counselor and narcissistic abuse treatment clinician. She offers a unique blend of therapeutic approaches to help her clients navigate their healing journeys. Heather’s deep empathy and expertise create a safe and nurturing environment for those dealing with a mental health issue. Her areas of expertise are anxiety, depression, grief, low self esteem, stress management, trauma, PTSD and navigating big life changes. Heather offers one on one sessions for people from Ontario.
To support individuals in finding the right therapeutic path for their unique needs, she offers a free Zoom chat where people can ask questions and determine if her therapy services are a good fit for their needs. To book an appointment, click the button below.
